its a disease. where you analyze everything. these words that i type – the thoughts that cross my mind – the words that i hear – its like i can’t stop thinking.  can’t stop thinking at all. there is silence in one thought. but that is just a thought. but that again is a thought.

an ant is nearing me. it has these weird looking legs. squatting like it partially wants to sit but just has to go on – for some reason. i throw it far. away from me.

there is this bird that chirps. i can hear it through the window. i just told mom how much i love this window which filters the last rays of the sun onto my bed and on my face. birds don’t sing, you know that. they chirp. i think they are pretty disillusioned. mostly because, ideally, they should sing. but actually they don’t. it is still chirping.

i practise staying thirsty. it is a relief in a way. its the time when you know you can get something – but you just don’t feel like. and its fine. because you know it is always in your reach. i wonder if i could reverse it. how would it be not to get something you like. at times the pain is sustained and self-inflicted.

you hear these noises. people celebrating some cause. yes, this show. they say, it celebrates life. really? will they involve me – completely. i pinch myself …. i can not feel their pain. oh, yes i can hear them. i just can not feel them. what- they are not in pain? oh- i am sorry…no they are not in pain. i might be.

they said they needed me. i did not go to their rescue. i shrugged it off. i had better things to do. there were better things, i am sure. for the greater good – of me. the whole day passed – i just could not find it. they hoped. i forgot.

when i reached the forest – it was lush green. a beauty if you can imagine. it was one of the hidden treasures of the world – unheard of – that forest that i went to. there was a bumpy road that was lead by the landscape of the trees and the hidden sun. and when i left a lot many days later – it was burning. the wind howled its indifference. the smoke of the shredded leaves left behind, as i made my way through that imprisonment. it captured a lot.

there is a certain amount of irreverence that is setting in. towards the world. i don’t see it as i saw it few years back. it is a big question to me. on the other side of the bank – i stand – at a safe distance from the rest of the world.  i wonder if i can shout and swear at them, i wonder if i just don’t mind them standing there, i wonder if i can just shrug off and whistle my way ahead, or if i can just take a step into this cold water and maybe swim a little distance.

oh no, wait, i can’t do that – that ant’s come along with me all this way, and i need to be a little better swimmer to save both of us.

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